Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

So, having just plopped down 14 bucks to view the new Indy, I have a few reactions to the Lucas/Spielberg escapade. Now, while most Indy fans are dissecting myriad issues of plot, dialogue, over the top sequences, and possible overuse of CGI, I plan to instead focus on the scientific aspects (or lack thereof) of this particular cinematic adventure:

PLEASE NOTE - SPOILERS BELOW:

1. The "Rat Snake" as it is referred to in the quicksand scene could not possibly be a Rat Snake as their range does not typically reach down into South America where the trio are in search of the crystal skull (maybe the LaBeouf packed it on the motorbike for just this purpose?) Nor do the animals get that big or have the tensile strength to drag Indy out of the pit.

2. The Tufted Capuchins (those cute little cgi monkeys swinging through the vines with the LaBeouf) are in fact native to South America but limited to the North Eastern portion of Peru, nowhere close to Cusco. On a slightly different note, they typically live in small male dominated groups. When they do party it up, they hang out in groups no more than 20 individuals. So unless there was a capuchin convention going on in the trees there were far too many to constitute a normal sized assemblage.

3. While we are on the topic of those vines, Liana vines are woody stems that typically support the weight of arboreal (tree-dwelling) monkeys, birds and other small critters. They can, in some rare instances, support small humans (which I guess would include the LaBeouf) but the chance that they were plentiful enough in the span in which he swings, and with such regularity, is very highly unlikely.

4. And onto the arthropods, my true expertise. Let’s start with the obvious – the ants. Although the filmmakers would have us believe these are Army Ants, the real deals don’t get nearly that big and look nothing like the ridiculous, ginormous cgi critters that they tried to pass off as army ants. So I’m going to make the assumption that they are Bulldog Ants (also known as Jack Jumper Ants), which are easily the largest ants in the world at a whopping 2 cm (slightly less than an inch). On the close ups they seemed to have the characteristic mandibles of the Bulldog Ants and, behavior wise, they do have excellent sight and will track intruders (which Indy et al were when they crashed their vehicles onto the poor Formicids’ home) up to 1 meter. Yes, that’s right, 3 FEET. So, the problems: those ants must have been marathon runners ‘cause they carried on for about the length of a football field tracking the group. Furthermore, these ferocious looking beasties actually feed on small insects, seeds, fungi, nectar and honeydew (a sweet sticky liquid deposited on leaves by various insects). Their larvae are carnivorous (meat eaters) and rely on their adult guardians to bring back food to the nest. They do not however, devour live HUMAN prey in seconds and drag the remains back to their nests. By the way, Army Ants, if that’s what they want us to believe these are, don’t have true nests, instead, the group is incessantly moving during its entire existence, devouring prey as they go. And of course the obvious: the Bulldog Ants are not found in South America. Rather they are almost exclusively found in Australia (with one exception Myrmecia apicalis that is found in New Caledonia.

5. And finally the scorpions. Yes its true that the larger the scorpions PINCHERS, the less one has to worry as the scorpion needs one, primary means to acquire their prey and defend themselves; larger pinchers means less effective venom in their stinger (and therefore, smaller pinchers equates to much more potent venom). Problem is that this was not the quote; Indy says big scorpions are nothing to worry about, but that’s a reference to the total size of the animal, and not the pinchers in relation to the size of the body, which is the real clue. Oh, and of course the Emperor Scorpions that were crawling all over tarnation are in fact native to Africa, not South America.

GRADE: C+